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Recently I overheard a straight guy named Randy (I cant even) say Huh, that look cool, in regards to a womans flawless ombre that she most definitely paid millions for, as he tucked his football back into his pants and grunted about classic rock. I looked at the floor shaking my head, my own freshly dyed faux-gray hair falling into my eyes. Most men simply dont get it, and yet their opinions are considered important, what with them essentially
ruining running our entire government and making decisions for us and all that fun stuff. Its insane bullshit, but until the day we completely dismantle the patriarchy its important to take time to see things from everyones point of view. Or so I am told by straight white men.
I spent many years pretending I was a straight man, acting indifferent towards any and all fashion trends so people wouldnt find out my secrets of being gay and also fashionable, because society drives it into our heads that those things go hand in hand and that we shouldnt express them. Which is why I asked some aforementioned straight men what they thought about the hottest summer trends. Here’s what they had to say:
1. Denim Skirts
Lets begin by talking about the elephant in the room. Summer is approaching more rapidly than global warming can destroy us, and denim skirts are coming back faster than Beyoncs body after she had Blue Ivy.
Personally, I fucking hate denim skirts. Nothing says I shop mostly at strip malls upstate like a denim skirt. Even the high fashion ones you can get for hundreds of dollars in Soho look like they could be Faded Glory by Walmart. The opinion of the straight male, however, seems to skew very different. Straight guys love denim skirts. They live for them, in fact. You want the attention of a fuckboy? Slap on a denim skirt from Forever 21, a little mascara and a band T-shirt youve never actually listened to/cared about and the fuckboys will come crawling out of the woodwork like pretentious termites. Take Sean from Maine, for example, who said, Denim skirts are okay. Theyre pretty hot I guess. Like, in the summer I like them. I didnt have time to punch Sean from Maine in the face and also he is my brothers friend so instead I mentally clocked him as a fuckboy and moved on.
2. Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino
Speaking of things that are insane, lets discuss Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappucino. Its only here for a very brief time and I think we all need to thank whatever God we pray to that they go away as fast as they came. Theyre literally all sugar and food coloring and Starbucks baristas hate making them. If I was ever interested in a dude and he ordered a fucking Unicorn Frappucino, I would probably wait for it to come out and then throw it in his face. If a straight guy thinks its cute or charming that you want a Unicorn Frappucino then hes an idiot, or very possibly a pedophile, and you should ghost him immediatelyand Ill add we should all ghost the Unicorn Frappucino. To get a straight guy to comment on a Unicorn Frappucino theyd have to admit that theyve had one, which would make them maybe seem gay to their friends at the gym, so youll have to just trust me on this one.
Whats underboob? Dan, a bartender in Brooklyn asks while pretending to be stressed about making me a vodka martini. After showing him my go-to underboob picture from Kylie Jenners Instagram, he changes his tune. Ohh, yeah, yeah…I like that. I like underboob. So complex, the male species is.
So that brings me to underboob. Of course fucking sicko straight dudes love underboob, but the thing is…so do I?!? If its done tastefully it can be shocking and exciting and even high fashion. Celebs everywhere are doing it, from Lady Gaga to Gigi Hadid. Women have been showing top boob for centuries, and side boob for the last three years or so, so why not show off the bottom? It exudes confidence and when I see it I automatically think that the woman showing it off is not to be messed with. I mean, Beyonc and Nicki Minaj have been doing it for years, so its truly insane that its taken this long to really catch on. Plus, now you can show off that tattoo you got on your rib cage when you were 18 that you never want your mom to see.
4. Pink Eyeshadow
Hot. Pink. Eyeshadow. It was very popular at the Met Gala, with celebs from Jennifer Connelly to Selena Gomez sporting the attention-getter with no apologies. Im very into it. I think it makes the eyes pop while sending a subtle message of Im confident and Im better than you, which may be due in part to the Adderall I just railed, which is always the message I try to send. Straight men tend to shy away from a bold eye or a bold lipor a bold personality, for that matterbut I’m here for it. My friends boyfriend Ian said, Whats eyeshadow? After I convinced him that knowing what eyeshadow is doesnt make him gay, he finally admitted that he knew what it was and also that he didnt like it. See? Theyre timid about very bold makeup choices as it may draw attention from other men and you may end up leaving them for someone more confident. Men and peacocks essentially think the same way.
5. Center Parts
Center-parted hair is back and sort of becoming classic, at least if Mariska Hargitay’s hairstyle on this season of is any indication. The center part has never really gone away, and with Kim K sporting one at the Met Gala last week, its sure to be popular this summer. Center parts are…fine. My personal taste is a little…flashier…but if youre heading to the beach or to a house party and you dont have a lot of time to get ready, then yes, by all means go with the center part. Fuckboys love a center part because its not too flashy and they think theyre deep for being into a girl that looks high fashion. As I explain this article to a friend, her boyfriend who well call Straight Eric mentions he likes center parts because it makes girls seem seem smart and sophisticated. While I cant disagree, I am surprised he knows what the word sophisticated means.
To wrap up, Id like to say that only one opinion matters and thats yours. Fashion trends wouldnt happen if someone wasnt the first person to slap on hot pink eyeshadow, or reveal underboob. Where would we as a society be without the brave trailblazer who thought “maybe Ill part my hair…but in the middle?!” Theres no excuse for the Unicorn Frappucino, but hopefully this summer has some other fun food trends in store for us, preferably ones that wont give you immediate health issues related to high insulin levels.
The takeaway I hope you learn from this is all men are insecure and you should never change your makeup or wardrobe or anything about you at all based on their preference. (Unless theyre like…Ralph Lauren. Then maybe listen to his fashion advice.)