Posted in: Uncategorized

Back to my weekly suicide contemplation, or as the Bravo network likes to call it: . Lets see if I can hate myself or these people more by the time this hour ends.

Katies grandma lives in Las Vegas and is officially the coolest person on this show. Tea towel invitations? What is this, a bat mitzvah? You gonna give away sweatpants and hot pretzels, too?

While folding Katies wedding invites, the subject of Lalas Range Rover comes up. The grandma is like tell me all the gossip, girls. Whats the 411?

Ah, you girls keep me young. God love ya!

The one logical flaw is that these girls assume her boyfriend has to be married in order to afford a $750/month car. Like, pretty sure a married person would have less money because he’s spending half of it on his wife. Right? Not sure if that assumption is really stupid or just so logical it appears dumb.

Stassi’s making fun of Kristen for not knowing anything about Montauk, the place she only learned existed when Bravo approached her about .

Kristen: The only thing I know about the Hamptons is Puff Daddy and Bethenny Frankel

Get with the fucking program, Kristen. He hasnt gone by Puff Daddy since the 90s.

Stassi overusing the word scary again, thinking if they let their petty fight with Scheana go, theres going to be an “explosion” in Montauk where “someone ends up in jail.” Like, have you met Scheana? Drunk Scheana is way more likely to injure herself than anyone else.

Also, those are some strong words from Stassi given the current political climate.

Im honestly sad Scheana and Shay got divorced because like, who are her friends now? How is a former drug addict the most sane adult on this show?

Tom Sandoval covers up his bad hair with a bad hat.

Honorable mention goes to Arianas brothers man bun.

They all go visit James whos DJing somewhere other than SUR and Pump. #DreamBig

Lalas talking about how shes been sober for a while now while holding a glass of Champagne

Lala WOULD love NASCAR.

Kristen: Jax and I are like step brother and step sister whove fucked twice.

So like, step brother and step sister in Alabama? Boom, roasted an entire state.

Jax: Supplements gave me a cancer scare but Im not going to do anything drastic like stop taking supplements.

I would like the 5 minutes of my life back that I lost on this gratuitous workout scene.

Carter has a real job and hes still dating Kristen? I have so many questions.

Jax is acting like he doesnt want to go on a trip with Lala because shes said some crazy shit. Come the fuck on, dude. We all know its because you told her you wanted to fuck her last season while you were dating Brittany. You can fool your idiot friends but you cant fool me. Eagle Eye Betchson, on the case again.

Katie shows Lisa her invitations and Lisas basically like OMG cute! So vintage! To the camera: “Those are the ugliest effing invitations Ive ever seen.”

Jax is at the plastic surgeon for like the 234th time this year. Hes getting a breast reduction thats not a breast reduction.

Brittany asks Jax if hes nervous. Why would he be nervous? Getting plastic surgery is Jaxs job at this point.

EW WHAT THE HELL BRAVO I WAS EATING WHEN YOU PULLED OUT THAT DISC OF SKIN.

Ill bet my lifes savings that Jax will disobey his doctors orders and drink when hes not supposed to. And like, I may not have Katie and Tom money (for the record, I still don’t understand how they have so much of it) but Ive got a rollover IRA, thank you very much.

Literal quote from Jax: How do you go to a NASCAR race and not funnel a beer?

Like, he’s not wrong. No way I could stand to be at a NASCAR race and not be blacked out.

Half-sedated Jax is feeling Brittany up and the technician is just like “They do not pay me enough for this shit.” Same, girl. Same.

Lisa seems to think that Lalas either a sugar baby or shes spending her rent money on Louboutins, but she hasnt considered the third option which is that theyre fake. Like, am I taking crazy pills? Lala is pretty trashy. I could see her owning some fake Loubs.

Lisa tells Lala not to take her top off at the NASCAR race and you can tell by Lalas expression that that had not occurred to her before.

James: Raquel at I have so much in common. We like to eat food.

True love right there.

Raquel:OMG, I have to start training and practicing walking in six-inch heels in a bathing suit.

Wow, your life sounds SO hard.

James is telling Raquel about how he’s going to beg for his job back basically, and they don’t even consider the possibility that she’ll say no. The entitlement is strong with this one. God I fucking hope Lisa doesnt give James his job back. But I know how this show goes so Im not getting my hopes up.

Bless Raquel’s heart, she has like a 10-second delay in between everything James says in which you can see her gears turning to formulate a response before she finally spits it out. I would kind of love to watch her and Brittany have a conversation. It would be like watching paint dry. Stupid paint. With low self-esteem.

Stassi is complaining about not having central AC, no wonder she didnt last six months in New York.

Oh god the shot of Scheanas moms toenails getting filed just made me spit out my hummus. First Jax’s disc of skin, now this … I did not sign up to watch a fucking episode of .

Scheanas like Well I clearly cant go to Sonoma so I have no choice but to go to Montauk because not going on one of the trips and staying home with your husband is not an option.

Nikolai telling Stassi that her problem is that she gets involved in other peoples business is the realest thing to ever happen on this show.

I fucking love this child. But I’m confused how the same parents can raise one amazing little Yoda kid and one who invents her own reality.

Nikolai: Youre not the boss
Stassi: Yes I am

Wait, which one of them is 11 years old again?

I would watch a Nikolai spinoff where he sits behind a wooden stand and gives out advice for 5 cents like a fucking Peanuts character. I would watch that shit every week.

Gotta say, the Glow Up 2016 Award goes to Ariana.

Ohhhh Ariana is from Florida. That explains literally everything.

Sorry I zoned out during the millionth Lala is fucking a married guy convo because I was texting. Not sorry.

James *knocks on the door*: Hi
Lisa: Ughhhhh

^ Same, Lisa.

Oh God this is a fucking train wreck. You come in to ask for your job back and in the process just throw Jax under the bus. Yeah that will show Lisa youre mature and ready to have your job back.

Lisa told James he should choose another career path aside from DJ-ing. Whoa shit is really about to hit the fan.

I fucking love Lisa so much rn.

Me pretending to care about this drama about Lala possibly standing up Arianas trip:

Make the flight, miss the flight, who GAF. She’ll just get on the next one. This is not drama. What is happening to this show?!?

Hold up, are these clowns flying Southwest? Yes. They are. Dont get my wrong, I love Southwest. But like, Im broke. You’re on this network’s best show and you can’t even get some Delta flights up in this bitch? D-list celebs, they’re just like us!

Read more: http://www.betches.com/vanderpump-rules-season-5-episode-8-recap