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Unfortunately this isnt an April Fools joke, and its too early for 4/20, but the (sigh) just published an article called Why I Won’t Date Hot Women Anymore which is exactly as obnoxious and anger-inducing as it sounds. I mean, before we even get into the article, were pretty sure the #1 reason he wont date hot women is because they don’t want to date him. But thats just an educated guess. Like, the article should really be called “Why I won’t date hot women that don’t want to date me anymore”. But before we get into things, I’d recommend taking a Lipitor or some other medication that lowers your blood pressure, because if not you’re probably going to have a rage blackout. Don’t say I didn’t wart you.

The article highlights 40-year-old decidedly not-hot man, Dan Rochkind, and his change of heart when it comes to hot supermodel girlfriendsbecause all of us were definitely wondering. He talks about how he used to date models, but now, because he’s just such a charitable and nice guy, he downgraded to women who are just regularly beautiful. I think I speak for all of the non-model female population when I say, thank you Dan, for your contributions to womankind. If I had the authority to do so, I’d nominate you for a Nobel Peace Prize. But alas, I’m probably not hot enough.

Anyway, Dan is now engaged to a run-of-the-mill gorgeous woman without a modeling contract. Here’s how he describes his now-fiance:

Wow, I bet she must be so flattered. And really, our hearts and prayers go out to Dan, deigning to date a woman who is too short to be a runway model. We are here for you and your second chin in this trying time.

Basically this article is like a where are they now for guys who followed Neil Strauss in their 20s. They thought they could trick insecure hot girls into dating them, and once everyone figured out these dudes were just assholes all along, the girls got bored and dumped them. And now theyve decided to blame the hot girls for things not working out. Okay sure, checks out. Heres a quote from the article on why he doesnt like hot girls: Please Dan, tell us more about how these girls are selfish and vapid, as you pose with your beer for a article about how you refuse to date hot women. 

But don’t worry, in the name of #feminism, the article also details a couple of women who are delusional have sworn off hot guysone of whom is 23 years old and clearly takes herself way too seriously, looking for guys who “makes the most out of their lives” despite the fact that she herself has been alive for less than a quarter of a century. She works in PR and is from New Jersey, though, so it kind of makes sense why she sucks so much.

But back to Dan, the real hero of the article. It says, We wouldnt be surprised if he called her merely beautiful in their wedding vows. What do you think the difference between being hot and merely beautiful to Dan is? We bet it has something to do with being able to see through his bullshit. 

Somehow we cant imagine there are any Victoria’s Secret models out there brokenhearted and hoping Dan will change his stance on dating hot people. Were also pretty convinced his fiance is only dating him because hes gaslighting her into thinking shes not actually hot. Like, shes a regulation hottie by all standards. Except for his, obviously.

Honestly, we all know guys like Dan and girls like Carly, and it’s time we stop minding our own business and put a stop to this shit. Tell your friends they’re hot. Don’t let their boyfriends tell them, for instance, they would be so much hotter if they were just a little taller. And it goes without saying, but stop dating these assclowns who think they’re doing you a favor by dating you. Please. Can you imagine finding out your friend is engaged to a self-absorbed prick who says shit like on record to a fucking newspaper right before he gets married? Just think about what will happen if his fiance, like, gets gray hair, orGod forbidgains a little weight and is knocked down a peg from “merely beautiful” to “just cute” or something. I would kind of love to read a follow-up article a few years into their marriage, or even just right after Carly reads what the and her own fucking fianc said about her looks. Unlike Carly, I have a feeling it’s not gonna be pretty.

Anyway. Carly. Girl. If you’re reading this, blink twice if you need help.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/why-i-wont-date-hot-women-anymore-response