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10. Pinchers The Lobster
Okay Im sorry but what child would choose a lobster Beanie Baby? I feel like on the list of kid-friendly animals, lobster ranks somewhere between an electric eel and one of those fish that has a light on its head. Maybe Ty saw and wanted to capitalize on the success of Sebastian, but I think we all know that Sebastian is the exception and not the rule. And also, isn’t he a crab? Just read Pinchers poem. None of the activities listed sound appealing to a child. Oh cool, a toy that is fat, lazy, and pinches people. Sign me the fuck up. Pinchers would only reasonably come into your Beanie Baby collection if you were one of those freaks who was like, actually trying to collect Beanie Babies, or when your one uncle who doesnt have kids made an attempt at bringing you a present.
9. Patti The Platypus
Okay calm the fuck down, Patti. I dont have time to listen to you blabber on about bullshit all day. This was a stop and chat, but now youre all up in my grill telling me about how platypuses are the only mammals who lay eggs and Im like girl, youve told me this. Youve told me this several times. Im late for work now because of you and your ridiculous beak. Get your shit together. Kids who had this Beanie Baby were the ones who were desperate to stand out so instead of doing something cool like developing a skill, they just started saying weird shit like my favorite animal is the platypus! Please.
8. Humphrey The Camel
Wow. Okay, Humphrey. Maybe take some responsibility for yourself? If you dont want to live somewhere with so much sand, go on google, type in apartments NYC and get yourself a sublet. Its not my responsibility to get you out of your situation. You have to do that for yourself. Also, youre standing next to one of the literal wonders of the ancient world, so maybe try and count your blessings a little bit. As an animal, camels are cooler than platypuses (I looked it up, its platypuses not platypi) but only barely. Theyre kind of like gross misshapen horses that spit on you and dont look good on folders or pencil boxes or any of the other stuff youd put a horse on so like…whats the point?
7. Cubbie The Bear
Umm excuse me? Wtf is this poem describing? What happened to Cubbie is not funny, its a very serious medical emergency. Fourteen bees?!? Cubbie is lucky he didnt go into anaphylactic shock. Apart from his brush with death, Cubbie is just meh. Hes a bear, but like not one of the cool special edition bears that sit up straight and have a little patch over their heart. Hes just like…a regular old bear who lays on his stomach. (Though now that Ive read his horrific poem, Im thinking that maybe Cubbie doesnt sit up because his heart was weakened after the bee attack, which is kind of sad.) Cubbie isnt even a cool color, hes just brown. A regular old brown bear that was stung by fourteen bees and has an extremely limited food palate. Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of. Also, I fail to see how getting stung by a swarm of bees correlates with eating broccoli and cheesewhich is a part of a bear’s healthy diet, BTW. Cubbie, you’re gonna get sick, bro.
6. Spot The Dog
Spot is a dog. He likes to run. Its kind of his thing. As far as dogs go, being named Spot and liking to run is as basic as it gets. Like, if Spot was a person his name would be Emily and his interests would include unicorn frappuccinos, Smartwater, and Michael Kors watches. Hed definitely be wearing Lululemon leggings, a Northface, and Adidas Superstars right now, and his hair would be ombr. When you try to talk to Spot, hed say things like Oh Em Gee!!! and is perpetually on a juice cleanse. We all know Spot. We all have a Spot in our friend groups. Some days, when the temptation to start a wedding Pinterest grows too strong, we are Spot. Spot is like, fine, and a necessary addition to any Beanie Baby friend group, but like, hes never going to be anybodys fave. The other Beanie Babies mostly just keep him around so they dont have to feel bad when they low-key want to see the next Katherine Heigl movie that comes out ( looks really good, yall).
5. Chocolate The Moose
Chocolate. His favorite treat is chocolate. Thats the answer to the riddle. Takes a pretty high level of self-centeredness to have your favorite food also be your name, and I respect that. While moose (again, I looked it upthe plural of moose is moose) are not necessarily the betchiest animal on the surface, upon further investigation they have some hidden betchy tendencies, like getting wasted off fermented apples and running through town with Christmas lights on their head. Chocolate is also one of the OG beanie babies, which makes him a much hotter commodity among Beanie Baby collectorswhich is apparently a group of people who still existso like, hes one of the wealthier members of the Beanie Baby friend group. Still, as far as I recall, moose was definitely not at the top of any little girls animal companion wish list, so I doubt a lot of kids were going straight for Chocolate in the toy aisle. Hes more of a I already have all the cute Beanie Babies and now I want to branch out into smellier animals type of purchase.
4. Splash The Orca
Poor Splash. Sure, he had the distinction of coming out in post- America, meaning he was a necessary part of any respectable Beanie Baby collection, but now that weve all see , we know that Splash was suffering. Like, sure he can do the 100-yard dash, but does he want to? Is that a victory jump hes doing, or an attempt to escape to the sea and search for his mother, who he was stolen from at birth? Splash belongs in the ocean with the other orcas, not at the bottom of your toy chest trying to make smalltalk with a giraffe. And with all that we now know about the horrible conditions in which Orcas are kept, this photo is extremely disturbing:
Still cute, tho.
3. Flash The Dolphin
I honestly cant imagine a better time in the little girl-dolphin relationship than the early ’90s. Weve got Lisa Frank to thank for that. As a 6-year-old, there were like two acceptable favorite animals, and dolphin was definitely one of them. Dolphins had an amazing PR campaign to market themselves as cute, friendly animals, when in reality theyre just really horny. Dolphins are some of the only animals besides humans and bonobos that have sex for pleasure, which raises some serious questions about how this dolphin got the name Flash. Like, I have a feeling its not related to speed. Still, no true child of the ’90s would have made Flash a top priority for their collection, and her ability to be considered respectable while being a closet freak is something we should all admire.
2. Mystic The Unicorn
Mystic the unicorn was the central figure in most little girls Beanie Baby collections. Like, if you did not have Mystic, you def cant sit with us. Mystic is also one of the only OG Beanie Babies that is not a real animal (later theyd add like, ghosts and shit, but much like the Pokmon beyond 150, we do not recognize them as legitimate). Theres really not much else to say about Mystic except that shes a unicorn, shes gorgeous, and after about two weeks of hanging out in the bottom of your backpack her white coat would turn a sort of smudge-y grey and your mom would have to run her through the wash, at which point her horn would kind of never be the same. Bummer.
1. Princess Diana
There is no question in anyones mind that the Princess Diana Beanie Baby was basically the Lumee case of Beanie Babies. She was luxury, special edition, and only your friend with rich parents and serious Beanie Baby collections had her. She was so special that, despite being a childrens toy, she was not to be played with. Nope. As soon as you bought this priceless heirloom, your parents would stick her in one of those clear plastic Beanie Baby boxes and put her on a high shelf so no one dare fuck with her. And unlike literally every other member of the Beanie Baby family, she was actually a good investment. A couple in the UK sold their mint condition Diana for $100,000, meaning that a purple bear your parents probably sold at a yard sale in 2001 could have actually paid for your college. I guess I finally understand what that Beanie Baby divorce couple was actually talking about.