Posted in: Uncategorized

Its 2017 aka the year of realizing stuff self-absorbed assholes winning at life. For proof, look no further than, say, the person running our country or my Instagram news feed which shows no fewer than 18 ex- contestants living their best lives at any given time. Which would really send me into a rage blackout if I weren’t too busy watching their Instagram stories and googling their bikini picks for summer 2017. That being said, I am V intrigued by these hoes. Its clear none of them were ever in it for the right reasons unless the right reasons have less to do with dating a man who’s currently dating 20 other women and more to do with them using said man to further their Instagram careers. In which case, those bitches are fucking brilliant. But seriously, how much do Instagram influencers really make? Im thinking about Amanda specifically here because she has like, six two kids to support off her bikini selfies and Im concerned that her one million Instagram followers arent giving her enough support.

But I shouldnt worry because Im sure she knows what shes doing with her life, right?

Oh, sorry, I just vomited a little in my mouth. Im good now. Anyway, back to Amanda and her amazing decision making skills. Clearly she cant be trusted with huge life decisions like picking the man she wants to spend her life with or choosing a career that supports two toddlers and (I assume) her uglier sister the personal assistant who takes all of her Instagram photos. So lets take a deeper look at this career path, shall we?

According to, a top Instagram influencer can make up to $150,000 for ONE sponsored campaign. Thats like, if youre a JoJo and get your own season of or you’re a Corinne and everyone wishes you’d get your own season of If youre just, like, a Whitney Fransway (I included her last name here but I’m sure you still have no fucking clue who Im talking about) with around 100,000 followers, the going rate is $5,000 per post. And while I realize I just talked a ton of shit about Amanda a few minutes ago, I would like to point out that I should never have questioned that girls livelihood because she is doing just fine. Like twenty thousand dollars a month fine. *internally screams*

Can we just pause here for a second? Theyre making HOW much money?? Here I am doing the absolute minimum busting my ass four solid days a week (because the other three Im hungover AF) while Whitney the Yoga Instructor (you still can’t place her, can you?) is making more money than I make in MONTHS with one photo of her lying on a couch, holding hair vitamins? Thats what youre telling me rn?

I bet you’re wondering right about now who would want their brands represented by women who can’t tell the difference between a shark and a dolphin. Well, some of the top products for girls to pimp out endorse are Diff Eyewear, FabFitFun, YellowTail Wine (lol way to dream big girls), and SugarBear Hair Vitamins, among others. Im assuming the girls get approached by these companies based off of what their brand on was. So while Corinne is getting sent bottles of Champagne and invitations to go on and discuss cheese pasta, our favorite psychiatrist Taylor is repping boring AF essential oils.

And none for Gretchen Wieners, bye.

But what I love about these girls is that they have absolutely no subtlety when endorsing these brands. Like, you can stop pretending that all of your Insta content is soooo organic and sooo natural and not at all funded by Flat Tummy Tea because Im not buying your bullshit, Emily and Haley.

I would say Im disgusted by all of this but honestly I just want Amanda or one of the twins to take me under their very tiny arms and show me WTF is up. Jesus, did I just willingly put it out there in the world that I would like career advice from someone whose Instagram bio says professional twin? Is this what rock bottom looks like?

I guess what Ive learned from all of this is that now I can totally see why Nick Viall held Chris Harrison hostage until ABC gave him his own season (I assume). That was, Im sure, a V important step in his career towards becoming a shitty dancer on a show no one but my mom watches. 

Read more: