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1. So you peed on a stick and a plus sign appeared. Yay! Except that statistically, theres a significant chance you might miscarry during the first 12 weeks after conception, which is fucking . I don’t care how healthy you are or how few miscarriages there’ve been amongst women in your family. Thevery possibility that all ofthe work you’ve put towards spawning a mini-memight be undone in a mere instant through no fault of your own will haunt you until you reachthatmagical three-month mark.

2.While you’retrapped inthe pregnancy closet, you will probably refrain from sharingyour exciting, life-changing newswith the world at large for fear of having to retract it. Ifyou’re a card-carrying over-sharing millenial, this will prove super frustrating.

3. Meanwhile, you’ll consult the Internet ad nauseam for information about what to expect overthe next nine months, and very little of what you learn will sound at allfun.

4. For starters, you’ll confirm that you cant get drunk. Sure, theres plenty of evidence suggestingthat its safe to drink lightly during pregnancy, but what medical professionals define as light drinking turns out to be two glasses of wine per week, which hasnt been enough to get you buzzed since you were 13.

5.So you will try (and quickly fail) to get excited about mocktails, mixing sparkling water with different juices each night as your significant other sips an actual cocktail across the table like nothings changed because for himnothing changed (annoying).

6. Since youre never drunk, you will have yet more time to explore the ol’ Internet, which means learning that theres a very real chance you’ll soon be growing hair in weird places, like your elbows.

7. Plus, all those hormones coursing through your veins are likely to make you break out in strange places, like your armpits or your back.

8. Oh, and your butthole might start to tickle at any moment!

9.Speaking of your butt, periodic constipation is definitely on the menu for the next nine months.

10. For the first time since you were a kid, you will also sacrifice creativecontrolover what youeat. Even if youre a pretty chill pregnant lady, youll find yourself considering the minuscule possibility that ham and soft cheesesmight contain harmful bacteria, or that the sushi you adore might be laced with too much mercury.

11.Your inner voice of reasonwill do all it can to reassureyou that, when pregnant,Japanese women dont stop eating sushi and French women don’t stop eating soft cheeses. But yourinnermom-to-be will laugh in the face of Reason, choosing instead to nod along with paranoid mommy bloggers everywhere andencourageyou toabstain from eating some of your favorite foods .

12.Asit happens, the whole eating for two thing isnt even true, so you cant count on binge-eating carbs to offset the frustration ofgiving up your faves. (You only need 300 additional calories a day to build a baby, which is like English muffin, or two little scrambled eggs. Boo!)

13. Whatever you do or dont consume, trust that your body willexpand almost immediately. Thanksto all the water youre destined to retain, that go-to skirt and blouse might not fit quite the same as early as week 6, even though your embryo is only the size of a blueberry at that stage.

14. And then theres the issue of boob growth. Maybe youve always wanted large breasts! Maybe big boobs are the aspect of pregnancy youve actually been looking forward to! Well, rest assured that those giant boobs you develop will likely be tender AF. Like, sore to the touch. Ow!

15.Forced to recognize that your body is transforming in small but meaningful waysevery singleday, shopping automatically becomes a lot less fun. You cant even guess what will or wont work on yourfigure for the next year or so while that parasite youre hosting takesover.

16. Think you can stymie the weight gain by working out regularly? Think again! Youre likely way too exhausted and/or nauseated to put too much effort into the gym.

17. Think you can go to bed super early to catch up on sleep? Think again! You will likely have to wake up three times a night to pee. Soon after conception, the extra blood flow required to grow your fetus prompts your kidneys to produce 25% more urine, you see.

18. Plus, your senses are heightened, which might sound cool at firstuntil the sound of your significant other snoring becomes a volcanic eruption you cant contain, and the sight of a yellow plate or your favorite meal suddenly makes you want to vomit.

19. If youre not a germaphobe already, youre bound to become one the second you learn that your immune system takes a massive step back as soonyou get pregnant. This is a protective measure soyour body doesn’treject your own embryo like it’s a disease or something. It also means that you’ll get seriously resentful if anyone coughs in your vicinity.

20. Whether youre sick or not, your nosemightstart runningspontaneously. Turns out your brain is already sending signals to your vagina to lube the fuck up in preparation for pushinga babyout months down the line, and it cant just tell one mucus center toprepwithout impacting the others.

21. As a fetal host, you will also become super mindful of your safety. Translation: You’ll bejumpy as hell, especially around cars and other things that might potentially kill you and your unborn child.

22. Unwelcome realization number 5,781: Your body isnt really your own anymore. Like, at all.

23. And it’ll be at least ayear before it’s yours again.

Read more: http://thoughtcatalog.com/melanie-berliet/2017/02/building-a-baby-is-amazing-except-for-all-the-parts-about-pregnancy-that-suck/