Why does such a machine exist? The non-judgmental answer is that getting your dinky doodled feels good. Men, by and large, enjoy such a thing. But it’s very hard to do it to one’s self without falling off the couch and hurting your neck, and for a good number of men it’s not all that easy to find someone to do it for you when and where you’d like it done. And when it comes to enjoying a nice duck l’orange, if you can’t do it yourself, you may have to go without if there are no chefs around. But when it comes to the dick l’oral, if the tech exists to have it done for you, why the hell not*?
*At some point in time, the answer to “why the hell not?” must necessarily be “because eew.” This machine is dangerously close to that. It’s furniture, for God’s sake. If artificial suckulations become such a part of your life that you need to rearrange other furnishings and/or dust them regularly, that may be an issue. But it also demonstrates that maybe you’re looking for something more …
Let me start by acknowledging that while you can’t actually jam your little squish fiddle into a hologram, there’s something to be said for the level of intimacy this thing provides for you. Well, not for you, but definitely for the sort of person who wants to invest in a hologram wife. This is the next step after blowies are secured — a sense of togetherness.
The video demo shows a several-inch-tall, blue-haired anime girl inside the holo-wife Keurig waking her man up, texting him messages throughout the day, turning the lights on before he gets home, and watching TV with him at night. It’s pretty much the physical embodiment of the most depressing thing you’ve ever masturbated to, amped up by a factor of “fuck my life.”
The commercial for this $2600 companion wants to sell you on the idea that it’s like having that special someone, and that you’ll be in a relationship where someone cares how your day went and when you’ll be home. Jerking off while this thing watches must always end in tears, and that’s OK. She’ll probably tell you so. Because that’s what you paid for. Or at least it’s what the people who buy these think they want …