1. I pledge to keep our fights clean and our sex dirty.
2. I vow to always listen and to not talk over you — especially when I know you’re right.
3. I solemnly swear to make sure that I’m not just hungry or experiencing PMS before I yell at you and start a war.
4. I promise to never lie to you, but to always tell you the truth in the most respectful, discreet way like when you’re making an outrageous hair style mistake or when you’re asking if you’re gaining weight or looking old.
5. I pledge to give you an acceptable answer whenever you ask ‘where should we go eat?’ instead of saying, ‘I don’t know, where do you want to go eat?’”
6. I solemnly swear to order my own fries if I want them, and not ask for a small bite of fries after saying I don’t like fries, then help myself to roughly half of them.
7. I vow to never get tired of grabbing your butt and pokingyou and nagging you every single day we’re together, until the end of time.
8. I promise to embrace all the parts of you including your flaws, your weird laugh, your snoring, your farts, your gross habits, and your strange fashion taste.”
9. I promise not to spoil the ending of a movie or a book you haven’t seen yet — unless you piss me off.
10. I pledge to share control of the television even when your taste in entertainment sucks.
11. I promise not to bring home any new pets (especially something more than an aquatic animal) without prior warning.
12. I promise to always pee or poop with the door shut.
13. I sincerely promise to trust you and respect your boundaries and not to transform into a monster when I get jealous.
14. I pledge to be as fair as possible in terms of the household duties.
15. I promise to be your partner in parenthood — to back you up in your parenting decisions rather than secretly allowing our kids to do whatever you told them not to do.
16. I vow to always make time for you and to initiate occasional date nights (and intimate midnights) with you, no matter how stressful and busy life becomes.
17. I promise to be clear with my needs and expectations, and not make it difficult for you to guess what’s on my mind.
18. I promise to also acknowledge your necessities and respond to them in the best way I can including your late night pizza cravings.
19. I solemnly swear to be your best friend and your greatest fan, to walk beside you through thick and thin, and to support and encourage your dreams.
20. I promise to always recognize what’s beautiful about you (and about us), especially in the midst of a dark shit storm.
21. I pledge to defend you to others, even if you’re wrong, because that’s what partners are for.
22. I vow to give you the benefit of the doubt when it comes to our finances.
23. I solemnly swear not to keep a scorecard of our wrongdoings.
24. I pledge to put your happiness before my own.
25. I promise not to care if you grow skinny or fat orold. Even ifyour hair is falling out, your skin is going flabby, and your waist is gaining a few inches, I’ll forever remember the sexy beast you were, and love and cherish the person you are and you will be.