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So youre between S.O.s at the moment, or maybe your current relationship is way too casual to withstand the couple-y pressure of Valentines Day. Whatever the reason, the point is that youre chilling by yourself on Feb. 14 this year, and obviously that means youll wind up watching Netflix. Not to sound like one of those obnoxious single-empowerment articles, but with a liberal application of alcohol, a true betch can enjoy herself in literally any situation, up to and including spending the dreaded V-Day alone. Honestly, its hard to have a bad night when you only remember half of it.
But I digress. Netflix and wine is, of course, one of the most magical combinations known to betchkind. Sometimes, though, the infinite variety is a little much, so Ive narrowed it down for you.
1. + Champagne
Whats more romantic than Channing Tatums soulful eyes and a bunch of men in thongs gyrating to Its Raining Men? Literally nothing, so celebrate the fact that youre watching this glorious movie with Champagne. Unfortunately, you cant pop a bottle all over Joe Manganiellos abs, so drinking it is the next best thing. TBH I should end the list right here because I can think of literally no better way to spend Valentines Day than with alcohol and , but Ill continue in case thats (inexplicably) not your thing.
2. + Pinot Noir
is perfect for the bitter betch. Technically, its a love storyin between all the murder and cannibalism, everyones pining for each otherso its thematically appropriate for V-Day. Mostly, though, its about Johnny Depp brutally murdering everyone in sight and singing about itwhich is exactly what you want to do to all the happy couples on Valentine’s Day but can’t because it’s illegal/generally frowned upon. To go with the humaner, pork piesonscreen, drink a Pinot Noir.
3. + Any 100-Proof Liquor
Yeah I know it’s not wine, but sometimes wine just doesn’t cut it. Use some of the strongest liquor available to man to numb the pain when you realize that youll never have a love as pure and beautiful as Westley and Buttercups. If it makes you feel better, were all in the same boat.
4. + Any Wine You Can Find
As a 90-minute metaphor for STDs, is the ideal movie for making people glad theyre not off banging someone with chlamydia. As a fucking terrifying horror movie, it requires an entire bottle of wine to handle without losing your mind. Honestly your choice of wine doesnt matter here as long as its got at least a 14 percent ABV.
5. + Two Buck Chuck
Riding solo on Valentines Day just means you get to fantasize about whomever you want. You know what that means? Time to break out a series of heartthrobs from your adolescence, beginning with the ever-dreamy Heath Ledger in . In honor of Julia Stiles getting wasted and dancing on a table to Biggie Smalls, break out your shittiest wine, that six pack of cheap beer, and/or a handle of watermelon flavored Smirnoffwhatever takes you back to high school.
6. + Petite Sirah
IDGAF that is supposed to be a Christmas movie. It’s got the word love right there in the title, ergo it’s a Valentine’s Day movie. Obviously, a movie this sappy needs something dry to balance it out, like Petit Sirah and your wit.
7. + Chardonnay
If you havent already seen the greatest rom com of the 2000s, Valentines Day is the perfect time to watch it; after all, Bridget Jones herself has spent many a night alone on the couch. Shes also cracked open many a bottle of wine, so join her in drinking what your mom would call “too much Chardonnay.”
8. + Your Oldest Wine
has everything: A gold-digging Marilyn Monroe, fucking amazing costumes, and songs devoted to attractive Olympic athletes (I Love What Im Doing (When Im Doing It For Love)) and how diamonds are better than men (Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend). Since the musical came out in 1952, break out the oldest wine in your kitchen, aka the one you bought last week and forgot about until now. Just don’t attempt any at-home dye jobs, however strong the urge may be.
9. + Tempranillo
If you’re not masochistic enough to watch a horror movie by yourself but youre still pissed at being alone on Valentines Day, you can get out that aggression with a horror-comedy like
your love life. There’s a lot of blood onscreen, which you can match by drinking a dark red wine like Tempranillo.
10. + Ros
Normally, I would never condone watching pretentious indie films because that’s for freaks who went to film school and grow out their armpit hair. That being said, is a movie about a prostitute tearing through Los Angeles in search of her pimp/boyfriend who cheated on her when she was in jail. Its also set during Christmas. Need I say more? No. To go with a movie whose premise is this dainty, you need the girliest of all wines: ros.
11. + Wine Cooler
I have tragic news. The 90s classic , which made 90s girls everywhere believe in the power of love with your step brother (and more importantly, fashion), is leaving Netflix on Feb. 28. Since you cant actually be with ultimate DILF Paul Rudd on Valentines Day, the next best thing is to watch all night. Of course, any movie set at a high school in the 90s deserves a throwbacktime to break out the wine coolers you loved when you were 16.
12. + Riesling
It sounds like something I just made up, but I promise this is literally real. Bless Netflix for gifting us with 45 minutes of puppies being precious. Watch in bed, clutching a bottle of Riesling, then cry yourself to sleep.