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We start the reunion with Andy asking Stassi if she’s dating anyone, of fucking course. Is there like a clause in Stassi’s contract that she has to talk about her relationship status for a minimum of 1,500 times on camera or something?

Andy brings up Katie basically blaming Tom and Ariana for all her fights with Schwartz.

Katie: I just wanted harmony. I didn’t want to be a tyrant or a bridezilla.

That’s funny, I also get blackout and insult people when I’m trying to have harmony and not be a bridezilla.

They also bring up Jax’s apology to Stassi because if we don’t mention Jax and Stassi’s past relationship at least 46 times per season there will be a problem. Jax says he’s “a better person since he’s been dating Brittany”classic fuckboy move. Guess I’ll have to believe it when I see itso like, when their spinoff airs.

Sandoval is like to the girls “the entire summer you were coddling Katie and literally licking her asshole” and the group is like “c’mon dude.” Because I guess rim job imagery is where we draw the line.

Andy is like “and the bachelor/bachelorette party was where Kristen decided it would be the perfect place to confront a wasted Schwartz about the cheating in Vegas rumors.” And Kristen’s like “Yeah well they were forced to talk about it, so clearly it was a great plan.” 

Oh god we’re still on this Vegas Girl thing. Schwartz is like “well conveniently for me I don’t remember but I can say with 100% confidence that we didn’t have sex.” So basically, we’ll never get to the bottom of this. Honestly, you all gotta take it to the grave and find something new to fight about for season six. #OverIt

Andy brings up the $51K wedding and hes like “Katie, dont you think you knew the wedding was going to cost a million dollars and you should have told Schwartz?” Katies like Well he told me just to hand him the bill at the end and not say anything.” Which goes against literally every time we saw Schwartz on camera being like “How much is this gonna cost? $31,000 and my left nut? Bubbaaaaa!”

Lisa: Theres nothing about the wedding that was conventional.

…She says about your average hipster rustic woods wedding.

Honestly Im just not recapping any of the wedding talk. I will not participate in this circle-jerk to give Katies wedding more publicity than it already has gotten. We all saw it like, three weeks agothere is literally no need to rehash the same shit.

Andy noticed Sandoval crying into the dog though. Im glad we all noticed that. LMAO.

Andy: Sandoval you basically proposed to Ariana at the wedding.
Ariana: So tacky.

Ouch. Someone get Sandoval some aloe vera.

Andy: You know what I like about you? You have so many feelings.

Sandoval:

Ariana is me, freaking tf out when anyone expresses love or emotion towards her.

Andy: Kristen did you have good intentions about coming to James performance?

Kristen: Oh  heelllll no.

Seriously, why does anybody put up with Kristen? At least when I do shit just to stir the pot I act like I had other intentions. I’m not convinced Carter is a real person. 

James: You dont come up to the one and only James Kennedy at my performance.

“The one and only James Kennedy”.

James: Kristen when we were together all you would do is praise my performances!

Yeah because thats what girlfriends do they praise your shitty performances and act like your Soundcloud page is the greatest thing to happen to music.

The moment we’ve all been waiting three weeks for… Scheana and Shay’s reunion is about to happen. God, I am such a terrible person.

Scheana doesnt even have Shays phone number. A level of savage to which I aspire.

Andy announced that Shay is coming and look Im living for the drama but also this is so fucked and I feel guilty. Like, it’s really twisted to exploit this couple’s divorce for ratings. Will I give them those desired ratings? Hell yes.

Scheana: Im too sober for this.

Same, girl.

Scheana sees Shay walk in and the first thing out of her mouth is he got a haircut, finally. Real nice.

Andy: Were back at the reunion and Mike Shay has joined us.

Audience: *crickets*

Andy: Scheana, all season long you said Shays at the studio our tests have determined that to be a lie.

Shay explains his multi-day absence like “Scheana went from texting me asking if I was ok to accusing me of going on a binge” aka “I couldn’t come home because Scheana was onto me.”

Scheana: So there wasnt a friend you were texting to and buying pills from?

Shay: *long pause* Youre crazy.

FUCK SHAY 2K17. Gaslighting in action, so fun!

Shay claims he was withdrawing money for his business.

Everyone with half a brain:

Shay says Scheana never listens to him and Andys like Ya thats true hes said it on the show a bunch of times.

Andy: BTW what is your business?
Shay: Dat Dope Group its a music group were official we have a studio and everything.

Dat. Dope. Group. Im gonna let that sink in while I contemplate my will to live. He claims they are opening for Bone Thugs-N-Harmony but they only have 169 followers on Twitter… seems suspect. I know Bone Thugs have been around for a minute but I don’t think they’re at the point where they let anybody with a reality show gig and a Soundcloud roll through. Or am I wrong?

Arianas like Shay, why dont you ever speak, tell us what was wrong.

Shay: *5 minutes of silence*

Me:

Shay: We definitely grew apart, I couldnt do the lifestyle anymore. I quit drinking for a year but you still expected me to go out. And you just chose going out over me.

Well that’s real, and I’m gonna be honest, accurate.

Andy: Scheana when did the relationship start to go south?

Scheana: 3 months into the marriage.

Well.

Ok so Shay was texting another girl and apparently she lived across the country and she was texting him shit like about him being on top of her. In other words: cheating.

Shay is like “Maybe the texts were inappropriate”… no dude. We crossed the line from “inappropriate” into “Emotional Cheatingville” the second the words “you on top of me” happened.

Scheana while all this is going on: *doing her hair and makeup obsessively*

Andy and Lisa: Girl WTF are you doing, stop doing your hair rn.

Scheana: I cant!

Also me.

Scheana is still bringing up the Brandi thing to try and get sympathy, which I am not having. You chose that life. You don’t get to bring it up like what, three years later to try and get pity points? Scheana also went and told Lisa about the pills on camera just to fuck Shay over. Thats fucked. (*whispers* says the girl who regularly calls out guys who wrong her on dating apps via articles written on this site…)

Shay: You labeled me and now Im a druggie.

Scheana: Yeah and Im a homewrecking whore.

Yeah but honestly Scheana…too fucking bad. You chose that life. As far as I can tell there isn’t a gene that makes you more susceptible to fucking other people’s husbands.

Andy: Shay when you read online Scheana has a new bf what does that do to your heart?

Shay: Its unfortunate, you having a new bf is very quick. IDK who he is.

Scheana: You follow him on Instagram.

Shay: Who?

Scheana: Rob.

Shay: Thats the guy youre dating?

Scheana: Yep.

Shay: Hm. Interesting. *makes mental note to add name to his To Kill list*

Me watching this exchange go down:

Shay: Ill always love you, if you ever needed something Id be there, but at this point Im over our relationship and coming here was a lot harder than I thought it would be but Im glad I did.

Andy: Scheana, does it give you any closure or peace to hear him say that?

Scheana: Yeah From what I hear from other people you seem to be very happy and Im in a very happy place so Im happy for you. 

Inner Scheana, probably: I hope you fucking choke.

Schwartz: Its an incredible tragedy but I feel like you guys are gonna be way happier individually than you were together.

Like, I would not call their doomed marriage ending in divorce an “incredible tragedy” but sure, if you wanna be melodramatic.

Ending on a less horrible note, Andy brings up the Tom Tom thing which I honestly forgot even happened. Sandoval starts crying, of fucking course.

So nothing happened even though Schwartz doesnt want to do it because hes being a pussy. Will this restaurant ever see the light of day? Will they get their own spin-off? Holy fuck. I think I’m onto something.

And Peter gets to make his final appearance of the season by serving everyone cocktails. Well that was fun, see you all next season. Hoping there is a next season. Ugh and I guess over the summer for Jax and Brittany’s spin-off? I can pretend like I’m too good for that show but we all know I’ll be back.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/vanderpump-rules-season-5-reunion-part-3-recap