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So can we chill? Is it time to hang up our pussy hats and go back to only thinking about our gynecologist at our annual check up (or bi-annual STD scare)?
Unfortunately, no. While Trump has not really been able to do any of hard stuff (governing, spelling, having hair, etc) it turns out that fucking with womens health is actually fairly easy if you are motivated to do so and the President Of The United States.
Since taking office, Trump and his woman-hating monkey boy Mike Pence, have made at least two significant moves on the defunding Planned Parenthood front, but before we even get into that, its probably best to define what exactly “defunding Planned Parenthood means because, like most things, its not what Donald Trump thinks it means.
First of alland well say this one loudly for people in the backnone of the federal funds Planned Parenthood receives go toward abortions. None. Zip. Nada. Not one dollar. Not even a fun, jokey Venmo for 50 cents. Nothing. So don’t even try me with the “I don’t want my tax dollars funding abortions” line.
This is because of a federal law passed in September 1976 called the Hyde Amendment, which bars public funds from going toward abortion except in the case of rape, incest, or the life of the mother being at stake. Despite democratic attempts to repeal the amendment, Paul Ryan passed H.R 7 on January 24th, 2017 which seeks to make the Hyde Amendment permanent. Thats also only 4 days after Trump became President (you probably refer to it as the worst day of my life), which shows you just how desperate PR was to take away womens rights. Like, if this is indicative at all of his texting style hed be the guy who meets you once and then starts texting you hey beautiful everyday. And as Paul learned when trying to pass his shitty healthcare bill, nobody likes that guy. Sigh. It’s always the hot ones who disappoint you the most.
So, much like when youre mad at your boyfriend for liking some Instagram models butt selfie so you start a fight about the proper way to load a dishwasher, when we talk about defunding Planned Parenthood, were really talking about something else. Basically, defunding Planned Parenthood means that the government would refuse to reimburse Planned Parenthood for the mammograms, contraception, cervical cancer checks, STD screenings, pap smears, and annual checkups they conduct for roughly 4 million women each year.
This is like if Planned Parenthood put its card down for drinks so you could avoid annoying the server and having to do math, and then the GOP refused to accept the Venmo request later. Eventually, Planned Parenthood isnt going to be able to put its card down anymore because it doesnt have enough money in checking to cover everybody’s shit, and now Happy Hour is ruined for everyone. And by Happy Hour we mean your sex life and reproductive health.
According to the Congressional Budget Office, defunding Planned Parenthood would be disastrous for people Mike Pence refuses to be alone with (all women), and would result in 15% of low incoming women losing their healthcare entirely, and thousands more births per year. So basically, think of that one friend who you know should absolutely not ever produce a child. Defund Planned Parenthood, and they’ll probably have one. Maybe two. All named dumb shit like “Amabella” or “Prosecco.” Just think about that.
So where are we, and our platinum vagines, at now? Heres a rundown of the actions the Trump Administration has taken to restrict womens access to healthcare:
1. Reinstated A Ban On Abortion Funding Overseas.
One of Trumps first actions in office (besides going around and farting on all of Obamas old stuff, which I assume he did immediately after being sworn in) was to reinstate the Mexico City policy, established by Ronald Reagan in 1984. This rule blocks federal funding for international groups that provide abortions, or actively promote the procedure, so if you were thinking that youd just turn your failure to use adequate birth control into an excuse for a vacay, you are sadly mistaken. I mean, you still could, but you’d be returning to the U.S. with a much needed tan and an unwanted baby, which isn’t really a great look for anyone.
2. Made It Easier For States To Deny Funding To Planned Parenthood.
Last week, while most of us were distracted by the impending threat of global nuclear warfare, Trump casually signed legislation that makes it easier for states to defund Planned Parenthood by rolling back changes to Title X Family Planning Funding President Obama put in place that said states couldnt deny funding to family planning services simply because they provide abortions. What this means is basically if you live in the liberal bubble, your Planned Parenthood is fine (for now), but if you live in a
shitty red state like Kansas or Arkansas or literally the entire middle of the country, you should get your birth control on lock now because the fate of Planned Parenthood in your state is about as solid as Nick and Vanessas engagement.
For those of you betches living in Maryland, youre in luck. MD was the first state to say that it will protect PPs funding, regardless of what the federal government says, so now is as good a time as ever to finally make your parents Ocean City house your actual permanent residence.
3. Told PP He Wouldnt Defund Them As Long As They Stopped Doing Abortions.
In a last-ditch effort to save his sad-ass health care bill, Trump offered Planned Parenthood a deal: keep your federal funding, but stop doing abortions. Thats like a guy telling you hell take you out to dinner, but you have to agree to leave your phone at home. Its just not happening. And much like you when that same dude hits you up to Netflix and Chill a week later, Planned Parenthood rejected the offer.
So, all of this is to say that, while it is heartening to see the level of incompetence the Trump Administration has shown in even the most basic tasks (apart from bombing people, which he appears to have gotten the hang of very quickly), looking into long term birth control options, whether it be an IUD, the implant, or getting your tubes tied and moving to the woods, is probably still a very good idea. As is donating to Planned Parenthood, especially donating directly to red state clinics that are in danger, so that PP can keep doing its thing no matter what The Trump Administration throws its way. You could make it your weekly mission to find at least one bro to buy you a drink at the bar, and then donate the money you saved by being attractive to the Planned Parenthood of your choice. That way, you can lay the groundwork for future hookups, and protect yourself from any unwanted pregnancies that hookup may bring, with one well placed across the bar eye-fucking. Its a beautiful thing.
Oh, and if youre hoping that First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump will swoop in and save us here, youre delusional. Stop trying to make Ivanka Trump as a Savior To Women happen. Its not going to happen.