From the ages of 13-17 you were no one unless you were at the mall with your best betches eating your weight in shitty Sbarro pizza and checking out bros beneath your all-the-rage pageboy cap.
ANYWAY, if by the end of your mall excursion you and your friends werent a walking Abercrombie & Fitch perfume test strip then you were doing something wrong. Tbh I’m amazed anyone wanted to stand within a 10 foot radius of me back then much less
date me chat me on AIM. But then again this is also the year that Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston so I guess we were never supposed to have nice things.
So because it’s Friday and I need to take a break from googling Mischa Barton and her
career drug problem, let’s take a stroll down memory lane, shall we? Here are just a few of our fav scents from our childhood that, for the public’s safety, we never should have been allowed to wear in public:
1. Vanilla Lace by Victoria’s Secret
If you went to the mall you sure as hell were making an appearance at Victorias Secret, arguably the place that made every girl a woman. You were, like, so badass if you bought not one but SEVEN brightly-colored, animal print thongs for the price of one decent pair of underwear. And because of said thongs, this place was the source of 90% of my fights with my mother. It was also the place that I doused myself in vanilla scented toxic gas while waiting to pay for a bra with more padding in it than my winter parka. There were many bomb-ass scents to choose from, but Vanilla Lace was my JAM. You might feel differently about this choice, but you’d be wrong because nothing gives off the I’m-half-a-virgin vibe quite like the words “vanilla” and “lace.”
2. Heiress by Paris Hilton
The girl who single-handedly kept Juicy Couture in business gave us Heiress aka the scent of the 99 percent. Keep in mind that Paris was at her prime back then and Kim Kardashian was just a lesser member of her friend group that she forced to clean her closet. Ah, those were the days. One spritz from Heiress had you feeling some type of way. Specifically, this type of way:
3. Princess by Vera Wang
This was for classy betches only. A step up from body spray but a step down from actual perfume you should wear out in public, you only wore this shit on special occasions. Like to the prom or
your six month anniversary a date with your boyfriend in the back of his truck.
4. Curious by Britney Spears
Tbh the success of this perfume had very little to do with the actual smell of the product and had everything to do with the bottle it came in. First of all, it had one of those fancy squeeze spray applicators which just screamed high class. But my favorite part was the random bejeweled chain that may or may not have been designed after one of Brits infamous belly rings. Because nothing says luxury like visible body jewelry.
5. Abercrombie 8
And just in case you didnt know where the Abercrombie & Fitch was located in you local mall, you could sniff it out via this perfume. It was usually accompanied by half-naked clothing models and 14-year-olds wearing shirts that said things like my eyes are up here on them. This scent was iconic and was probably also the reason why I have olfactory nerve damage. Ah, to be young again.